It’s Monday, and my alarm buzzes at 6:00 A.M. I groggily get up, already running through the day in my head. I am a business professor, so I have a full schedule of classes to teach, e-mails to answer, and research deadlines to meet, but before I can start working, there are 100 other things I have to think about
Did my son pack his gear for his lacrosse game tonight? He’ll be starving when he gets home. What do we have in the fridge? I make a mental note to check before I leave.
Then there’s my daughter, knee-deep in college applications. We’ve scheduled campus visits and spent weeks talking about applications and reviewing financial options. She’s stressed, which means I’m stressed.
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And my oldest—he’s doing well in college classes, but I can tell something’s off. Is it just the normal pressure of being a young adult, or is something more going on? When’s the last time we had a real conversation? I need to check in with him.
By the time I’ve made coffee, I’ve already thought through my kids’ schedules, their needs and well-being. Isn’t parenting supposed to get easier as they get older? Now it is less about the physical caregiving tasks that consumed me in their younger years, and it is more about the emotional labor, planning and problem-solving.
This is what is sometimes called the “invisible family load,” the “mental labor,” “invisible labor” or “mental load.” It is the “behind-the-scenes,” “keep you up at night” work that is crucial to the smooth functioning of families. Yet it is work that often goes unnoticed and unappreciated, and it is disproportionately shouldered by women.
The conversation around mental load became more prominent in 2017 because of a cartoon depicting the invisible and exhausting nature of mom as “household project manager.” Since then, the many popular discussions paint a disheartening picture of the invisible family load as a never-ending, energy-zapping, exhausting burden that causes struggling and suffering, ranging from depression and anger to substance abuse and divorce.
But is it true?
At the time, there hadn’t been much scientific research, so my colleagues and I decided to extensively research the topic. What we learned confirmed popular assumptions in some ways but turned them on their head in others. The bottom line: running a household is unsung and frustrating work that can bleed into our professional lives, but it can also be rewarding.
Our research identified three types of invisible family load. Managerial load involves organizing, planning, and scheduling family activities or appointments, such as college visits, parties or vacations, or managing the day-to-day family activities. Cognitive load is the mental effort required to keep track of tasks, remember important dates, make decisions and anticipate future needs, such as keeping up with every family member’s academic, social, emotional and/or physical needs, all while remembering to buy eggs and toilet paper. Emotional load involves worrying about the needs and well-being of family members, such as worrying about your children’s health, well-being or futures, resolving sibling disputes, or being the emotional anchor for your family.
Our research found some not-so-surprising news. Women disproportionately report higher levels of each type of invisible family load than do men; and carrying a higher invisible load than one’s partner strains the relationship and decreases satisfaction in it. People, particularly mothers, commented that they felt “frustrated,” “angry” and “resentful” at the “chronic imbalance of the mental load” in their relationships, and this may be a warning sign for relationship trouble.
We also found that carrying high levels of emotional load, such as worrying about family needs, is particularly problematic because it is associated with a host of harmful outcomes, including poor sleep, feeling exhausted and burned out, and being less satisfied in one’s family and with one’s life overall.
One thing that really surprised us is that having a lot of emotional family load doesn’t just affect people and their families, but it also spills over to work. Parents who carry high levels of emotional load are more likely to report that their family interferes with work and that they are more exhausted while at work. Importantly, we saw these negative effects after controlling for people’s general tendency to worry.
There is good news, though. Contrary to the popular belief that managing the invisible family load is entirely negative, we found potential benefits. Some people told us that they “enjoy and get benefit from being the ‘leader’” of their family, “find joy in caring for” their families in these ways, and that it brings them closer to their family members. Our survey research confirms that, on average, people find a sense of meaning and purpose when taking on more of the remembering and deciding work of cognitive load, fostering a sense of enrichment in their family and greater satisfaction with their family lives. This doesn’t mean the emotional load is not hard or frustrating, but people may also experience benefits from doing the cognitive load.
So how can you experience more of the positives of the invisible family load?
Curb excessive worry: Instead of dwelling on endless “what-ifs,” create a “worry list,” writing down concerns and reviewing them for a set, limited time daily to prevent constant rumination. Embracing a “good enough” mindset—acknowledging that a happy, well-adjusted family doesn’t require perfection—helps reduce unnecessary emotional load.
Reframe the load as leadership: Recognize the invisible work you do as leadership, where you are anticipating needs, making and communicating decisions, organizing family work, and empowering and growing others, within one of the most important teams of which you’ll ever be a part. Pause to appreciate the moments, even small ones, when your efforts lead to growth, joy or a sense of security for your family members.
Delegate strategically: Great leaders don’t do everything themselves—they set priorities, empower others, and focus on the highest-impact tasks. Rather than trying to do it all, look for ways to delegate and teach, such as kids scheduling things for themselves when age-appropriate or empowering decision-making to a partner. Results won’t happen instantly, so this will require patience and a mindful focus on the benefits to others from their new responsibilities.
Communicate and appreciate: If you are in a partnered relationship, weekly check-ins about responsibilities, particularly the invisible ones, can prevent resentment. Make the invisible visible. Write down each invisible task on notecards, and physically sort them so that each partner has approximately the same number of cards. Acknowledge and express appreciation for each other’s efforts, noting progress over perfection. Children can also benefit from this transparency by learning that managing a household is a shared responsibility rather than a one-person job in a two-parent household.
Use technology to plan and organize: Using a shared digital calendar keeps everyone on the same page with appointments, events and activities, reducing the mental strain of keeping track of everything.
Avoid decision fatigue: Parents make countless decisions every day. To reduce mental overload, streamline routine choices by setting defaults (e.g., a weekly meal rotation such as “Taco Tuesday” or a regular meal planning/grocery shopping day) and making important decisions at your “best” time of the day.
Prioritize self-care: Taking even small moments for a favorite hobby, a short walk, prayer/meditation or quiet time with a book can restore energy that might be depleted from the invisible family load. Building a support network—friends, family or parenting groups—creates an outlet for sharing challenges and solutions. Modeling self-care also teaches children the importance of health and well-being.
Recognizing and addressing the invisible family load is crucial for maintaining mental and emotional well-being, fostering positive family dynamics and even enhancing the workplace. By acknowledging these invisible tasks and taking proactive steps to manage them, you can create a more balanced and fulfilling life for yourself and your family.
Julie Holliday Wayne’s research on this subject was conducted with Maura Mills, Russell Matthews and Marilyn Whitman , all at the University of Alabama, and Yi-Ren Wang of the Asia School of Business .
This is an opinion and analysis article, and the views expressed by the author or authors are not necessarily those of Scientific American.