Forget Love Languages—Your Sexual Initiation Style Is the Key to Keeping the Spark Alive

Most of us tend to equate “good sex” with satisfying foreplay and intercourse, but the truth is that good sex encompasses more than just the mechanics. Similar to how mornings set the tone for the day, the way sex is initiated can set the tone for a fulfilling or unfulfilling sexual encounter. It’s a straightforward concept until you consider the kicker: You might want sex to be initiated one way, and your partner might want something completely different. This is why knowing and understanding your Sexual Initiation Style as well as your partner’s is so important. Without it, you might never have satisfying sex from start to finish, at least not at the same time.

Coined by Clinical Sexologist and Sex Researcher Dr. Petra Zebroff in 2021, Sexual Initiation Styles, as the name implies, refer to the way someone likes to have sex initiated by their partner. They’ve been cited as intimacy game-changers since their inception and are supposedly the key to cultivating and maintaining intimacy long-term. Ahead, everything you need to know about Sexual Initiation Styles, what to do if yours is different from your partner’s, and even more in between.

What are Sexual Initiation Styles?

Sexual Initiation styles provide a vivid insight into how exactly someone gets aroused, including their turn-on triggers, desires, and overall sexual preferences. There are four main styles—Sensation, Sentimental, Seductive Exotic (or Sexotic), and Surrender. Similar to how understanding your and your partner’s love language can improve communication and appreciation, understanding each other’s Initiation Style can enhance how you communicate and function in the bedroom; it gives you a better understanding of the sexual stimuli you each respond best to.

The styles are also a crucial tool for deepening intimacy and connection. Since Initiation Styles help you better understand what your mind and body respond best to, articulating your arousal and desires naturally becomes easier. Sexual satisfaction is a huge component of healthy relationships. Being able to discuss your wants and needs with your partner can ensure you’re both having a satisfying experience every single time. Here are the four styles explained:

Sensation

People with this Initiation Style rely heavily on their senses for sexual stimulation and arousal. Basically, the mood has to be just right for them to be interested. While they love indulging all five senses, they also need physical stimulation to get turned on. Some ways to initiate sex with a Sensation Initiation Style include:

• Treating them to a sensual massage, replete with oil, ambient lighting, music, and candles
• Feeding them an aphrodisiac snack (like chocolate-covered strawberries) while they’re blindfolded in a bed with luxurious sheets
• Engaging in temperature play

Sentimental

Anyone with a Sentimental Initiation Style sexually thrives when they feel emotionally connected to their partner. This essentially serves as their foundation for amazing sexual intimacy; they focus on building their relationship and keeping it healthy first and foremost. Because of this, romantic gestures mean the world to them; it lets them know that their partner cares, which in turn makes them interested in intimacy. Some ways to initiate sex with a Sentimental Initiation Style include:

• Using stimulating conversation as a part of foreplay
• Planning and treating them to a planned or surprise intimate date night, filled with longing gazes, gentle caresses, and invigorating conversations throughout
• Practicing tantric sex, a mindful sex technique that’ll deepen your connection in and outside of the bedroom

Seductive-Exotic

People with a Seductive-Exotic (or Sexotic) Initiation Style have mastered the art of seduction. Anything that helps build anticipation, like stolen glances across the dinner table, and lets them engage in dynamics of attraction, like meeting a hot stranger at a bar, is key. Thinking or talking about sex is also a major turn-on for them; reveling in their fantasies or contemplating novel or taboo sexual encounters kickstarts their libido. Some ways to initiate sex with a Seductive-Exotic Initiation Style include:

• Whispering your fantasies in their ear and telling them what you’d like to do when you’re alone
• Role-playing publicly or privately, or dressing in an alluring outfit, like lingerie, to entice them
• Watching porn together to show each other what you fantasize about and would like to try

Surrender

This Initiation Style gets off on relinquishing control, which is where its namesake comes from. Letting someone else take charge in the bedroom is the biggest turn-on for them. Typically, they gravitate toward sexual scenarios that let them play with power dynamics, like domination and submission. They feel most wanted with a confident partner who isn’t afraid to tell them what to do or boldly show just how much they truly want them. Some ways to initiate sex with a Surrender Initiation Style include:

• Experimenting with consensual BDSM and playing the role of the dominant partner while they’re the submissive one
• Creating a sense of sexual urgency by pulling them into you or (gently) pushing them against a wall (doing this as soon as they walk through the door can heighten arousal)
• Taking charge during foreplay or intercourse by telling them where to go and what to do

How to find your Sexual Initiation Style

According to Dr. Zebroff, “everyone has a complex ‘map’ of the different things that turn them on,” but most commonly, one or two Initiation Styles turn them on more than others. Listening to your body is the easiest way to tell which one(s) you resonate with most. Does the thought of sexual urgency and power dynamics make you feel hot and bothered? You probably have a Surrender Initiation Style. If your partner were to “set the mood” tonight, would it immediately make you aroused? You probably have a Sensation Initiation Style. Maybe you have both!

If you’re not confident you know what your Sexual Initiation Style is, don’t fret. Dr. Zebroff has a quiz on her website to help you figure it out (you know how much we love a quiz). You can take it yourself, send it to a partner, or use the questions as prompts for a conversation about Sexual Initiation Styles with your partner.

What to do if your Initiation Style is different from your partner’s

Sex isn’t one-size-fits-all, so if your Initiation Style is different from your partner’s, don’t stress. As someone with a Sensation Initiation Style married to a Surrender Initiation Style, I can attest firsthand that this doesn’t doom the relationship. Rather, it simply means that creating an open dialogue and continually communicating about sex is key. This is important not only because it ensures you’re both privy to each other’s desires and boundaries, but also because tastes can change and evolve.

To have this conversation, start by openly discussing turn-on triggers, desires and fantasies, and boundaries in the bedroom. This will give you both an overview of how to get the other aroused and make it easier to create satisfying experiences. From here, you can then discuss and experiment with ways to incorporate each Initiation Style into your sex life. For example, my husband will usually initiate sex by giving me a sensual massage, and I’ll take charge once I feel adequately aroused. He still relinquishes control in the end despite being the initiator, while I can ease into the experience by tantalizing my senses.

Keep in mind that it might take some trial and error to get into a nice groove with your partner, and that’s OK—this is totally normal. Blending Initiation Styles might work for some couples, while others might prefer alternating; they might enjoy catering to one partner’s preference one time before catering to the other, and so forth. There is no right or wrong. Plus, sexuality is fluid. Most of us have a little bit of each Initiation Style somewhere within us, even if it isn’t our preferred method.