My husband, Rich, is rightfully annoyed with me. He just got done watching the opening of Daredevil: Born Again, which is this insane one-cut fight scene and I had to tell him we were switching over to The Bachelor.
I am a cruel woman indeed.
Also, Muzzy says “How YOU doin’?”
We start in Newton, MA with a ubiquitous Dropkick Murphys song playing over some arial shots. Juliana is waiting for him and tells him she wants to show him what it’s like being Italian in Massachusetts.
I love the good people of Mass. I worked in trucking for a long time and part of our ritual for breaking in the interns was to have them call trucking companies on the East Coast, but we would pronounce the city name horribly wrong, and the interns would assume this was the correct pronunciation. Like Wilkes-Barre became “Will-keez-bar-eh” and Worcester (to the uninitiated this is actually pronounced ‘Woosta’) was pronounced like Worcestershire sauce.
Then a trucker yelled at one of my interns over the phone, “It’s Woosta, you fuckin’ scab!” and we had to dial it back.
Anyway.
Grant makes some pizza which is way less fun.
Grant is going to be meeting Juliana’s parents, her sister, several of her friends, aunts, uncles, cousins and also second cousins. Holy shit. Hope they made A LOT of pizza.
Oh, another fun East Coast story? I had no idea that some restaurants in NJ don’t have liquor licenses. For context, daycares in Wisconsin have liquor licenses (not really). The idea of not being able to get a beer at a restaurant is unfathomable. I don’t even think you apply, I think you just get one anytime you open a business.
So when my boss told me to bring wine to a company dinner I thought he was fucking with me, but, no, he was not. Which is also how I drove the turnpike at night for the first time trying to find a liquor store because, oh, shit those people were not going to be happy with me.
(Ed. note: some townships in New Jersey only have a handful of liquor licenses, so in placeswith a lot of restaurants, diners had to BYO, so there were a lot of half-bottles available in stores. So if you wonder who, aside from advent calendar folks, buys half bottles, the answer is “Jersey.”)
Grant keeps talking about how he wants a big family because he felt very alone growing up, and let me tell you, this is not the show to heal childhood trauma or create a family on. That’s Big Brother.
Anyway, Juliana’s giant family seems largely accepting of Grant.
Grant tells Juliana he’s starting to fall in love with her. This is what the contestants say so they can hedge away from actually saying they’re in love.
Muzzy: I love Big Dumb Boyfriend.
We know, peanut.
Next up is Zoe in New York City.
It’s not where she’s from, but where she lives now and says it’s the city that made her who she is today. They do an engagement photoshoot (she’s a model) which feels kind of… a lot? Grant agrees.
Zoe says that Grant will not be meeting with her adoptive parents. She says she’s given them a lot of chances, but they aren’t in her life. She implies that addiction might have been a factor in their estrangement. Instead he’s meeting her sister, best friend, aunt and uncle.
Talking to her sister, Zoe laments that she didn’t get a one-on-one date.
Her sister, Faith, asks him about this.
He says he felt like one or the other of them was always holding back, but then they had two really great conversations and he didn’t need anything else from her. He says their connection started later.
The next Hometown is in rural Wyoming, where Litia lives. Last week she revealed that she’s never dated outside of the LDS faith before.
They go horseback riding.
Muzzy: HORSE BUDGET!
After the horse ride, Litia tells him that her entire family is Mormon. She tried dating outside her religion, but it never worked out. Grant says he knows nothing about Mormonism. He does admit that he struggles a bit with religion because it caused a lot of fights between his parents.
Guys, this is going to work out great.
Also, there is something about the way Litia talks and smiles that reminds me so much of Kourtney Kardashian.
Litia’s mom says Grant doesn’t need to convert to be with her daughter, but that they expect faith to be part of how they’re raising their kids.
Litia tells her grandpa she’s falling in love with Grant, and he says he hasn’t seen her as happy with anyone else.
Foreshadowing the next episode, Litia says she’s not going to sleep with Grant during Fantasy Suites and she’ll be upset if he sleeps with any of the other women.
Later she tells Grant she’s falling in love with him, and he reciprocates.
Lastly, we get Dina’s Hometown in Chicago. She also has a large family (she has 11 siblings).
Dina reveals that her dad is a pastor and her family doesn’t really approve of the show, so they will not be meeting Grant. She seems sad about the whole thing.
Instead of her family, a whole group of Dina’s girlfriends show up.
Also, inexplicably, they go to a pumpkin patch. Like, that’s the best you can do in Chicago?
Her friend, Enrita, tells Grant that she knows Dina won’t move forward unless her family approves.
I think if I was on this show, I would want the Bachelor to meet my cats. They’re a good judge of character. Like if he got to pet the belly, you know he’s cool.
Then they trot out Joey from a previous season to give Grant “advice” on eliminating one of the women and it’s meaningless.
Meanwhile the four women sit on drinking couches and recap their dates and Dina is really disappointed her family didn’t attend. She reveals their decision to opt out was last minute.
Then it’s time for The Dreaded Rose Ceremony. Grant sends Dina home. He tells her that he was developing feelings for her, but still seems put off by their Hometown date.
That’s it. Are you watching? Or are you here with me and Muzzy, reading the recaps?
